Nolan's Inaugrual Flight, and Why Does Mommy Dress Like a Whore?

Last week we took Nolan on his first plane trip, to San Diego. I wanted a practice run for the longer flight to Chicago in June.

Here's what I learned:

1. TSA is an even more of a giant pain in the ass with a baby. Now I understand why Midway has separated the lines out for "novice" travelers. Otherwise known as the people I hated before I had a munchkin with 14 pieces of luggage to drag through the airport. We are totally green circle people now.

2. Your 6 month old is a suspect, too. I thought things were going well, we took a friend's "divide and conquer" approach to security--Blong handled the luggage and I took the baby--everything was dissasembled, on the belt, ready to go. My big ommission--I didn't take the baby's hoodie off. Yes, I know the fucking rule: jackets (and sweatshirts) have to come off before going through the metal detector. Really, honestly--I did not think it applied to tiny babies. Just to show you the extent of naivete I am functioning under when it comes to the executive branch's enforcement powers.

I was about to step through when the agent said to me "You need to take the baby's jacket off." Stupidly, I said to her, "Are you serious?" Which leads me to my next lesson:

3. Apparently, I dress like a slut when I travel. Aforementioned federal employee fired back at me, "YES. And the only reason I am not making you take yours off is because what you have on there is so skimpy." [For the record, it was a black v-neck t-shirt, ok, it's not like I remembered to take my clear plastic heels off but didn't want to expose the pleather halter with the keyhole cut-out to the world.]
At this point, all of my professional traveler friends are rolling their eyes and thinking, "no shit, this is why security lines are so long," and they are right. This, more than anything else, is why I am joining the green circle club--baby has addled my brain and affected my ability to multi-task. I have baby ADD. I was so worried about the pacifier attached to the car seat getting covered in filth on the conveyer belt that I didn't think to remove my jacket.

By the way, this is not a new phenomena. In my pre-child days, I got tossed out of St. Peter's Basilica for wearing this:

According to the 400 year old asshole working as a docent there, I was exposing too much skin. For the twelfth century, which is I believe where the Catholic Church is currently operating.

Despite all of this, Nolan was good (asleep) on the plane, and we had a fun and uneventful trip. I now have some confidence to go forward with Chicago. This time, I will dress my kid like a whore, in a super tight little onesie, and we will sail through the line (green circle, of course).

MY KID WON'T BEHAVE LIKE THAT (another lie I tell myself)

I am terrified that I am going to raise a monster child. Despite the fact that I was not a bad kid, neither was my husband, neither were our siblings. . .I see them all around me and I can't help but think it could be inevitable in this modern era. Maybe it's in the water, like ADD and autism. Perhaps brattiness is linked to vaccinations or plastic leaching into water bottles. Maybe Nolan's age group will be known as "Generation B."

Yesterday I was at McDonald's for lunch (in my defense, I had a hangover). Now, this is the McDonald's on Haight and Stanyan, which is usually populated by equal parts tourists and drug addicts. Yesterday, though, it was weirdly full of local old people. One of them had a little gaggle of grandchildren with her. They were seated at the table next to me. They were noisy and running around, but whatevs--they're kids, it's fine.

Well, it's fine up to a point. For me, that would be when the oldest, AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN, who appeared to be about 7, started climbing up on the chair at my table. And yelling. And climbing. And thrashing around like a little epileptic. Grandma was trying to corral this kid by telling him AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN NO AIDAN but I guess AIDAN AIDAN had trouble hearing her over the sound of his little shoes kicking my table. So, being hungover, I turned and gave him the hairy eyeball. To no one's surpise, AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN gave it right back.

Poor Grandma was trying to get the kids out of the restaurant. AIDAN AIDAN's two siblings were just as terrifying. . .a boy and girl, with big bro dangling a toy that little sis was trying to catch with her mouth. On the floor. Of the McDs. Where all the drug addicts hang out.

If God is reading this blog, he is no doubt poised to aim a thunderbolt of hyperactivity at my kid, turning NOLAN NOLAN NOLAN into a spastic short bus paste-eater because of Mommy's bad taste in blogging shit about other children. This is, after all, the kid who pulled a fistful of his own hair and made himself cry. But I'm sure other parents have this fear, right? Or is everyone else just more self-assured about their ability to instill good behavior and moral character in their kids? Or maybe they just beat their kids. [Clong: KIDDING! Don't call CPS on me].

Nolan's Internet Debut

Nolan had his first blog mention today on HugPug (we can't count bragging parent blogs). Not bad for a 10-week old. We predict plenty of internet fame for the child of a web producer and a software engineer. Check it out for cute pictures of his new best friends, the Justia Pugs.

Log Cabin Fresh!

People keep telling me to turn this into a Mommy Blog. Dude, I hate Mommy Blogs. Even though I've never read one. But I'm not above sharing the f'ed up parts of parenting so you can laugh at my misery. Isn't that what blogging is all about, after all??

Let's start with a little something in the TMI category: Fenugreek. I have started taking this herbal supplement to increase breast milk production. That's right--Old Bessie needs to step up her game to keep up with the small hungry monster. (Seriously, this kid is off the charts with the eating. The doctor tells me he is trying to "catch up" since he was born small. Hey doc, isn't there an obesity epidemic in this country?? Anyway.)

While it appears to be working (MOOOOOO), it is not without side effects. The big one being. . .it makes me smell like maple syrup. Yah. Maple SYRUP. Revolting. I guess it is better than the other possibility--"a faint curry smell"--mentioned by one website. GAG!

Baby Straitjacket

Preparing for a baby, there are a couple of mantras that the so-called experts hit you over the head with: breastfeeding is better, put the baby to sleep on its back, and swaddle, swaddle, swaddle! You'll hear these rules before you even give birth. You'll hear them multiple times. You'll have them memorized.

Well, we followed the first two, but when it came to swaddling, it just seemed to piss Nolan off even more that he could not move freely. He would fight the swaddle so hard that we would hear him grunting from the effort in his crib. And, he would almost always win.

First, we tried a regular baby blanket. No match for the little 5 lb monster, he plowed right through it. We'd wake up to find him kicking around on a flat blanket. Then we tried two blankets. Same result, though it took him longer. I started to freak out that I was creating a SIDS risk with all these blankets. (Rule number 4: nothing in the crib but the baby! Acck!)

Next, we bumped up the protocol to the Kiddopatomus. These are little envelope shaped blankets with velcro on them. You put baby's legs in the pocket, then velcro the rest of the blanket around him. Velcro! Surely 6 lb child is no match for velcro! WRONG! We found him with arms sticking out, legs sticking out, and sometimes with the whole thing unwrapped. One very scary morning I found him wriggled all the way INTO the blanket, with his whole head stuck in it. (Hello, SIDS?! Acck!)

So I stopped swaddling him. He seemed happier, but he was still waking up every 2-3 hours, which is torture between 12 and 7 am. Also, putting him down for naps was getting more and more difficult. So, out of desperation for sleep, I brought out the big gun: the Miracle Blanket. I doubted its power, but my friends swear by it. This thing is actually a cute, itty bitty, baby pastel colored straitjacket. You put baby's legs in the envelope, then wrap these little flaps (let's call them what they are--soft restraints) over his arms, and then the rest of the blanket wraps all the way around, twice. My small Houdini is no match for this powerful weapon, and you know what? He falls asleep, within minutes! And goes for his full nap!

Snug.as.a.bug.in.a.rug.

Nolong

As a colleague of mine put it: In the race between the contractors and the contractions, the contractions won by a long shot!

So, if you haven't heard, our little Xmas baby surprised us by arriving on Thanksgiving! Nolan Christopher Long was born 11/21 at 12:35 am. Despite being 5 weeks early, he is in perfect health and did not have to spend any extra time in the hospital. Pictures are up here and here. Margie and John have christened the kid with his official Long handle: Nolong.

Because the timing was awesome, Nolan was ready to come home before the floors were ready to be dry. Finishing was happening at the same time, and the smell was overwhelming even for adults, so we checked into the Four Seasons for a few days. We are home now, and the kitchen is nearly complete. Stay tuned for a post on the kitchen.