MY KID WON'T BEHAVE LIKE THAT (another lie I tell myself)

I am terrified that I am going to raise a monster child. Despite the fact that I was not a bad kid, neither was my husband, neither were our siblings. . .I see them all around me and I can't help but think it could be inevitable in this modern era. Maybe it's in the water, like ADD and autism. Perhaps brattiness is linked to vaccinations or plastic leaching into water bottles. Maybe Nolan's age group will be known as "Generation B."

Yesterday I was at McDonald's for lunch (in my defense, I had a hangover). Now, this is the McDonald's on Haight and Stanyan, which is usually populated by equal parts tourists and drug addicts. Yesterday, though, it was weirdly full of local old people. One of them had a little gaggle of grandchildren with her. They were seated at the table next to me. They were noisy and running around, but whatevs--they're kids, it's fine.

Well, it's fine up to a point. For me, that would be when the oldest, AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN, who appeared to be about 7, started climbing up on the chair at my table. And yelling. And climbing. And thrashing around like a little epileptic. Grandma was trying to corral this kid by telling him AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN NO AIDAN but I guess AIDAN AIDAN had trouble hearing her over the sound of his little shoes kicking my table. So, being hungover, I turned and gave him the hairy eyeball. To no one's surpise, AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN gave it right back.

Poor Grandma was trying to get the kids out of the restaurant. AIDAN AIDAN's two siblings were just as terrifying. . .a boy and girl, with big bro dangling a toy that little sis was trying to catch with her mouth. On the floor. Of the McDs. Where all the drug addicts hang out.

If God is reading this blog, he is no doubt poised to aim a thunderbolt of hyperactivity at my kid, turning NOLAN NOLAN NOLAN into a spastic short bus paste-eater because of Mommy's bad taste in blogging shit about other children. This is, after all, the kid who pulled a fistful of his own hair and made himself cry. But I'm sure other parents have this fear, right? Or is everyone else just more self-assured about their ability to instill good behavior and moral character in their kids? Or maybe they just beat their kids. [Clong: KIDDING! Don't call CPS on me].

Nolan's Internet Debut

Nolan had his first blog mention today on HugPug (we can't count bragging parent blogs). Not bad for a 10-week old. We predict plenty of internet fame for the child of a web producer and a software engineer. Check it out for cute pictures of his new best friends, the Justia Pugs.

Log Cabin Fresh!

People keep telling me to turn this into a Mommy Blog. Dude, I hate Mommy Blogs. Even though I've never read one. But I'm not above sharing the f'ed up parts of parenting so you can laugh at my misery. Isn't that what blogging is all about, after all??

Let's start with a little something in the TMI category: Fenugreek. I have started taking this herbal supplement to increase breast milk production. That's right--Old Bessie needs to step up her game to keep up with the small hungry monster. (Seriously, this kid is off the charts with the eating. The doctor tells me he is trying to "catch up" since he was born small. Hey doc, isn't there an obesity epidemic in this country?? Anyway.)

While it appears to be working (MOOOOOO), it is not without side effects. The big one being. . .it makes me smell like maple syrup. Yah. Maple SYRUP. Revolting. I guess it is better than the other possibility--"a faint curry smell"--mentioned by one website. GAG!

The Towel Guy, Stars @ Sharks 1/17/08

My dad is an NHL off-ice official for the San Jose Sharks. This week he got to be what we call the Towel Guy (you can DOOO IT! No, wait-- that's the WaterBoy) and manage the Dallas Stars' Penalty Box. Here's a clip of him letting Trevor Daley out after a 17 minute major for fighting (homeboy was in there for a while). You can see him counting down the time before he opens the gate. Sez the Towel Guy, they do that for the linesman so that they know when a player is coming back on the ice.

Go Dad!!

Baby Straitjacket

Preparing for a baby, there are a couple of mantras that the so-called experts hit you over the head with: breastfeeding is better, put the baby to sleep on its back, and swaddle, swaddle, swaddle! You'll hear these rules before you even give birth. You'll hear them multiple times. You'll have them memorized.

Well, we followed the first two, but when it came to swaddling, it just seemed to piss Nolan off even more that he could not move freely. He would fight the swaddle so hard that we would hear him grunting from the effort in his crib. And, he would almost always win.

First, we tried a regular baby blanket. No match for the little 5 lb monster, he plowed right through it. We'd wake up to find him kicking around on a flat blanket. Then we tried two blankets. Same result, though it took him longer. I started to freak out that I was creating a SIDS risk with all these blankets. (Rule number 4: nothing in the crib but the baby! Acck!)

Next, we bumped up the protocol to the Kiddopatomus. These are little envelope shaped blankets with velcro on them. You put baby's legs in the pocket, then velcro the rest of the blanket around him. Velcro! Surely 6 lb child is no match for velcro! WRONG! We found him with arms sticking out, legs sticking out, and sometimes with the whole thing unwrapped. One very scary morning I found him wriggled all the way INTO the blanket, with his whole head stuck in it. (Hello, SIDS?! Acck!)

So I stopped swaddling him. He seemed happier, but he was still waking up every 2-3 hours, which is torture between 12 and 7 am. Also, putting him down for naps was getting more and more difficult. So, out of desperation for sleep, I brought out the big gun: the Miracle Blanket. I doubted its power, but my friends swear by it. This thing is actually a cute, itty bitty, baby pastel colored straitjacket. You put baby's legs in the envelope, then wrap these little flaps (let's call them what they are--soft restraints) over his arms, and then the rest of the blanket wraps all the way around, twice. My small Houdini is no match for this powerful weapon, and you know what? He falls asleep, within minutes! And goes for his full nap!

Snug.as.a.bug.in.a.rug.

Lawyers and Doctors--the new Accountants and Dentists? And why is that bad, exactly?

The NYT reports on the decline in cachet for the "older professions" [Clong: I had to read that twice, my mind went immediately to the world's oldEST profession, not that lawyers aren't routinely compared to whores]. Lawyers and doctors are complaining, it seems, that nobody respects them anymore. Applications to the professional schools are down. This, of course, would have been helpful to me a few years ago.

It seems the gist of the doc's complaints is that they are treated just like every other worker, and that there is a general disregard for their uber-degree. One poor doctor had to fill out a req for his patient's wheelchair--how demeaning! And then there's the pediatrician who takes it as a "personal attack" whenever people complain about the medical industry (presumbaly HMO's) at cocktail parties. Well. Welcome to the party. He should have to sit through lawyer jokes at every social function. Or perhaps he would like to meet one acquaintance of mine, who routinely asks me--"How's the LIARing going?"

Final Kitchen Photos

The project is not technically finished. . .we still have contractors letting themselves in with no notice at all hours of the day (note: the dogs LOVE that), but we have a usable kitchen!

We passed final inspection last week, after we failed the first one. There was a problem with the hood, which is actually commercial grade and requires a separate breaker. I should have suspected there might be an issue when I turned it on and it sounded like a 747 was landing in my living room. Don't get me wrong--this thing is awesome--but it required just a little more electrical work than expected.

These are the pictures taken by the cabinetmakers--we never got a chance to take a "finished product" shot, since the movers came at the same time as final installation was occuring. We're very pleased with the results--it was a pain in the ass to get here, but worth it!